Why I Hate Elf on the Shelf

i hate elf on the shelfPIN IT!Though I would rather E not grow up believing in Santa, it happens. I allow it solely because it is imaginary play and quite frankly I don’t want to hear other parents bitch about how my son “ruined Christmas” because he told everyone Santa isn’t real.

Elf on the Shelf

Now that this Elf on the Shelf creeper has become popular in the US the last couple of years, my annoyance for it has become even stronger. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about it is a creepy little stuffed elf that “spies” on your child every day and reports to Santa. When you get your elf you give him whatever over-used elf name you’d like. However, you can talk to the elf all you want but you’re not allowed to touch him because apparently, they are allergic to children and his magic will fade if you do. That’s right, what the fudge?

Whatever happen to the good ole days when Santa watching you was more than enough for you to behave? Just the mere mention of Santa scares E straight. He doesn’t need some tattle telling narc to add to the picture. Besides, why would you want to add ANOTHER task to complete leading up to Christmas?! If you could just move him around the house a couple times and be done, great but no. This little stalker has to be moved around every damn night. God forbid you forget to move him and your children panic in sheer terror that your beloved elf has lost his magic, is being a snitch and ratting them out to Santa, or worse, died. Oh hell no, I will not be pinned for the murder of that little creepy elf!

why i hate elf on the shelfPIN IT!Even after all of that, your elf has to be “naughty.” Drawing on your child’s face,  teepee-ing the house, throwing flour everywhere, um, hold up. You mean I invited this thing into my house and now he gets to tear shit up? Not only that but we can’t say anything or he will tell Santa? Hell no. Sounds to me like this elf is a bully from Small Soldiers and teaching my kid that he only has to behave when he’s being watched. When no one is around though you can reek havoc and do whatever the hell you want and someone else will clean up your mess.  No, being nice and behaving is a gift in its self and your child should know that because it makes you feel good inside, not because a creeptastic grinning doll was watching them.

I think what bothers me most about all of this is the overachieving moms who have completely exploited this $40 overpriced garbage, I mean toy, that is purposely marketed as a clutch for controlling your child’s behavior. It seems moms who crave attention most are the ones doing it though.  Are they really doing it for their kids or are they really doing it to impress everyone else? Oh look, my little elf made a mess baking cookies last night! Sure he did.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for traditions. I understand that some of you may love it and think its a cute tradition to add to your family and pass down through the ages. That’s great but what happens when all of your children want to incorporate it? Yeah, you better go buy one for each child or they will all be fighting over it. Good luck moving multiples elves in one night as well.

why i hate elf on the shelfPIN IT!Also, who really isn’t going to give their child presents? I mean, I know a couple people who actually got rocks for Christmas but that’s because they were probably little shits and their parents didn’t love them. We all give our kids presents, as we should since eventually they are going to get old enough to start questioning the fabrication of Santa. Also, isn’t Santa’s story of flying in the air on a sleigh with magical reindeer delivering gifts to EVERY kid in the world one night enough of a lie?

I have kept E from knowing about this little punk so far and I intend on keeping it that way. If the day does ever come and he asks for an elf,  I will simply tell him that tattletales aren’t allowed in our house and that Santa doesn’t need an elf to know how he’s behaving. Parents shouldn’t make useless threats just as they shouldn’t give useless rewards for it.

**Update** As of December 2016 there is still no Elf in our house. If anything we would have added a Grinch on a shelf and every time they misbehave the Grinch would have taken a present. However, there has been no need for it so we will keep on keepin’ on with good ole Santa.***